Watching the Fire… Trying to Accept What I Don’t Want to Lose.

Outside watching a fire burn. A little sadness and a little peacefulness. It’s chilly outside, but I’m taking the time to relax and ground myself.

Hurt that my guy is putting distance between us to slowly break it off. I feel it, I see it, and I don’t like it at all. People come and go in our lives, but I don’t want to let him go.

I should practice that stupid radical acceptance and just state the facts. It hurts too much. What I thought was forever isn’t. I don’t know what to do without him.

So I’m going to try to calm my nervous system with a meditation on YouTube and try to remember I am loved and I can find someone else out there who won’t give up on me.

It’s boring to do the right thing in life, and it’s supposed to pay off in the end too. I hate sitting alone by myself and in my head. It’s depressing and annoying. I’m a social butterfly who likes being around people. Or one person. I feel really alone lately.

The crowd I’m with isn’t healthy. They’re not motivating and definitely not helping me in any way. It’s just something to occupy my time and distract me from reality that I don’t want to be in. I know better, but a part of me doesn’t care because it’s something to do.

I just feel lost in life. I feel unsupported and really confused. I used to have motivation and love doing things for me too, and these days it’s a struggle sometimes to even shower.

How did I get here, and how can I feel better about myself? Yikes, I’m too scared to try things these days… It’s rough, but it could always be worse.

I’m thankful for the place I’m in, my bed, my e-cig, my phone, my hair extensions, my clothes, my ability to still care too much about things and people, my pretty face, and straight teeth.

I’m blessed with many things right now and should focus more on those than what I don’t have. I’m capable of becoming so much and would love it. I just need to remind myself I can do things alone and can prove to myself life can be good.

Do you do the same?