My Private Notebook Wasn’t So Fucking Private.

I guess I ruined some of the family vacations when it came to my parents’ friends down there. This family used to live in the same state and then moved to Florida. Our family went to Florida every Thanksgiving. We saw these friends often. They had two sons the same ages as me and my sister.

One would message me often online and flirt really hard. I never really thought anything would come of it.

I always kept these notebooks between girlfriends. We would share one and pass it between girls, and we would all write to each other. My parents, of course, went into my backpack and read mine. They found something personal I’d written about me and one of the boys.

I guess it ruined the friendship between them because of what they read. But honestly, wouldn’t you as a parent chalk it up to kids being kids and still allow a friendship, but just make sure I wasn’t around any boys alone?!?

I mean, why let your daughter’s private life ruin it for everyone and be embarrassed about it?

These humans who adopted me are crazy. How could they ever survive raising a daughter acting out because she wasn’t getting the attention and love she required as a child? So the only attention that would stand out was with boys.

I’ve been boy-crazy since kindergarten, and it just grew worse and worse.

Now, as an adult, it’s still bad when I think sex cures everything in life. That’s a bit too much, right? I feel better for a second because I’d rather avoid my feelings instead of dealing with them. Ha! Sounds about right.

Then it’s back to reality, and I want that escape all over again. Never-ending cycle.

If I truly felt bad for making my parents’ lives sooo hard to handle, I would apologize. In all honesty, I don’t feel bad. I love how this shaped me into the person I am today.

All my mistakes I made with men and what I thought was love at the time—it was all meant to be. I have no regrets about my past. I shouldn’t feel shame for who I am.

Did I hurt people along the way? Yes, I did, and I feel bad for those moments. I just won’t apologize for being the crazy person I am.